


Beware of Dark Alleys

by wrothmothking



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, KakuHida Week 2018, M/M, Short One Shot, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-27 18:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16224752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrothmothking/pseuds/wrothmothking
Summary: A disembodied head isn't the oddest thing Kakuzu's found on his way home, but a talking disembodied head was a whole other matter.





	Beware of Dark Alleys

"Hey! Hey, you!"

Kakuzu peered down the dark alleyway as he passed, but the sole street lamp at its mouth failed to illuminate anyone. Whoever it was, it was unlikely they were talking to him, and whatever it was about, it was greatly improbable that it involved him.

"No! Get back here, asshole! I'm warning you!"

A trio of teens a ways back from Kakuzu darted across the street. The middle-aged woman walking alongside him quickened her step, dialing someone on her cell.

"Kakuzu!"

Sighing, Kakuzu turned and backtracked to the alley.

"Ha! Even with that stupid mask on, I knew I recognized that ugly mug!" the voice crowed.

The voice that was coming from a disembodied, talking head.

The bloodied, headless corpse a foot away would've answered one question, if it had, in fact, been a corpse. The chest was still moving, up and down, as it breathed, calmly, its fingers tapping an idle rhythm on the pavement, seemingly unconcerned with its current position and the impossibility of it.

"I don't remember meeting you."

"You haven't. It's Hidan."

"And how do you know me?"

As he spoke, he kept stepping closer, until the ground beneath his feet shone neon blue and the color spilled out to form a familiar rune. A nullifier, effect radius of a hundred feet.

"Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me."

Kakuzu ignored him. Dashing to the side, he pressed himself against the dumpster. Darts clung against the metal, poison or tranquilizers he didn't yet know. Either way, better to avoid them.

The hunters, dressed all in dark blue, faces concelead by animal masks, descended upon the alley, weaponless. They meant to take him alive. Strictly. Idiots.

He charged two of them, delivering a solid kick to the head of one and failing a punch on the other. They danced for a time, trading blows while their fellows dove in when safe, trying to distract him or get in a lucky shot, before finally the hunter tripped over Hidan's body, triggering it to maul them.

Kakuzu couldn't watch. Snagging a leg with his own as he turned, he tripped number three and used the momentum to slam his elbow into the fourth's neck.

"Left!"

"I see them," Kakuzu growled, plunging their own knife deep into hunter five's belly. A gasp behind alerted him to four's recovery in time to duck out of their reach, slashing their outstretched arm.

Blood gushed from the wound--he'd hit the artery--and four, panicked, scrambled back from him and ran.

Only to be shot in the back by three, who then shot two--a mercy killing, at this point, whatever Hidan was he had the strength to rip strips of flesh from bone--and aimed the gun at Kakuzu.

And pulled the trigger.

He hadn't the time to dodge it. The bullet found its mark and tore its way through, stopping on the other side of his lung. But it hadn't hit his heart.

Over the centuries, he'd become heavily desensitized to pain.

Over the centuries, the hunters had lost whatever talent and cunning they'd used to have. Perhaps because it was no longer considered proper to train toddlers in combat.

Three froze in shock when Kakuzu didn't collapse. Barely twitched as Kakuzu approached them. A snap of their neck, and it was done.

"Nice."

"Explain."

Hidan scowled. "How the fuck should I know? I was just minding my own business before these assholes jumped me and shoved your picture in my face. Then they got spooked by somethin' and ran off, and a while later I saw you."

"And you didn't find that at all suspect?"

"I don't really care. I just want my head back on my body sometime today, and since it's your fault I'm like this anyhow..."

"If you were foolish enough to be taken out by these vermin, you have no one to blame but yourself."

However. It was troubling if hunters were attacking non-offending non-humans simply for being in the general area of Kakuzu's magical signature. It could make him a target for both sides.

"What are you?" he asked, cutting off Hidan's cursing.

"Vampire. Obviously."

"Do you have a coven?"

"Fuck no. I'm more of the lone wolf type."

"Lone wolves don't survive long, and their deaths are slow and painful."

"What the fuck ever, man. Stitch or ditch, just shut up."

Kakuzu stared down at the head. Vampires were one of the hardest creatures to put down, and could potentially live forever. Their numbers had plummeted to near-extinction during the 1800s, something only a handful of the survivors cared to correct, so for Kakuzu to stumble upon one when he was finally coming around to the idea of a partner or companion of some sort, someone to watch his back, well, it was worth investigating further.

"I will help you, but I want something in return."

"Oh, and _what's that?_ "

"Your life."


End file.
